I wrote this after coming home high last night

I wrote this after coming home high last night
When I smoke I hear voices and feel like I’m losing my mind. I hear ringing and what sounds like my family fighting saying I should be kicked out. This has happened to me the last few times I’ve smoke and has left ripples in my normal life. I’ve lost my temper aggressively for no reason, I get intrusive thoughts wondering if I’ll end up becoming a murder, if I could fuck some girl if I text her even though sex doesn’t even really feel good to me. It sometimes became difficult to differentiate how I’m feeling on a personal and I often feel suicidal. Ive experienced derealization after smoking that felt like it bled a whole week. Its as if I feel have two personalities. I have the quiet me that thinks he’s sweet and a good talker, then I become someone who thinks he’s a detriment to life and that everyone hates him and is against him for a little bit. Ive been pondering this idea for a whole and before co caused I was bipolar. But when these voices appear when smoking and these thoughts race through my mind randomly I feel as if I’m just now developing schizophrenia. I’m 19 not going to school, working at a place I hate, im always tired, I basically lost all my friends and only play video games in work. So sometimes I focus on all the pathetic I think about within myself and feel depressed and lost. I can’t tell if I’m only noticing that my mood and what feels like thoughts change randomly just because I recently smoked or if I’m going insane. I have a therapist and I have difficulty talking to him for whatever reason. I sometimes think it’s anxiety and I don’t want to tell him about myself, but then again I love talking about how lost and depressed I am to girls at party’s and stuff? It feels like I’m on a wavelength and I’m currently switching personalities within myself and I think I may have that a small amount of that too when I’m not under the influence of weed. Its hard for me to recollect my memories well and I currently am having extreme difficulty just varying the thoughts to type this fluently. I feel as if I ask people the same questions when I see them, especially if I don’t know them that well. I can’t tell if that’s because I got diagnosed with anxiety and have trouble talking to people or if that’s just the persona I chose to use at that point. I also just space out. No thought so anything just staring. Then I think okay let’s focus again and I knock knock back into the real world. I also decided to become a rapper out of the blue and my personality drastically changed and all my friends that I was genuinely crazy and basically stopped talking them to me once that happened. But then they still talk to me and ask me to visit whenever I want and such. I don’t know if my music is bad because I’ve showed plenty of people and I’ve freestyled a lot and everyone has said I’m really good. I sometimes feel like I love it and I don’t. I would want to spend my whole life making music and living a lavish life and then I’ll think that I am absolute garbage and have no foreseeable future in music. It give some so much goddamn anxiety thinking I suck. If anyone’s interested I’d love to get someone’s feedback on a track. I’ve sadly lost motivation to try to have a future with music after like half a year and now I just work at Jimmy Johns. It depresses me and makes me feel like garbage when I think about how much a failure I am cause I’m not in college and I just work and live under my families roof. I also felt like my grandparents and other people in my family have schizophrenia and that I might have a higher chance of actually attaining the disease. My grandma is very mean and unreasonably stubborn and a complete hypocrite/liar. My grandpa goes from yelling at me over the absolutely smallest thing and then be at the same time be taking my garbage out of my room for me every night, washing the dishes without being asked, puts my clothes in the washer, and can have really genuine moments when he’s kind. I literally came home today and asked if it was okay to park my car on the sidewalk, which my grandma replied to yes. I then asked well can I pull my mom’s car into the garage then? My grandpa upstairs then in the middle of my sentence screams “you better not park on the street or you’ll get another ticket”. I start saying “I know I’m going to ask mom for her keys so I can move the car”. My grandpa completely dodges my response and constantly repeats that I’ll get a ticket if I park on the street. It gets so repetitive that I have to yell at him that “I know, I’m asking mom if I can pull in her car!!. This happens often. He also asks me a question, then I’ll clearly reply, and he’ll ask me” What?” I can’t tell if he’s crazy or if doesn’t hear me cause he’s like almost 70 years old. My mom has been constantly talking about the guy she’s went on a date with that night, with my grandma downstairs very loudly, or she’s complaining about politics. I have 2 aunts who have schizophrenia and my grandpa got heavily abused by his dad as a kid, and that grandpa of mine seemed so kind my whole life. I actually didn’t believe that he was abusive for a pretty decent amount of time until my grandma explained it to me sentimentally. My grandma has also told me she would leave my grandpa if she had the money, so who knows how she really feels. I do love listening to music thought. I write lyrics often and have around 200 memos on my android and like 40 memos on my iPhone of complete songs or lyrics. I get told I’m talented and some people when I ask if they enjoy it swiftly and confidently reply back “I don’t even like rap and really like your music.” I wish I believed in my music and worked on it all the time like I did before because I think I could make something with thiz. I then will sometimes think believing in my music is stupid and that I’ll never make it because of both the difficulty a c because I feel I straight suck. I listen to music all the time thought. Especially when going to sleep. I’ve always had some sort of problems sleeping, usually consisting of me having racing thoughts throughout the night. But music calms that and makes me focus on it and sleeping. It shuts my mind up literally and puts me to sleep. I did it more often from a kid, up to hs, then I do now. I’ve always been good at English in school and I despise school. I hate sitting in a desk, having homework learning about all these things I have no interest in and will never make use of. And I would have to pay this by myself entirely, so is it worth even bothering with? I do then sometimes think that school is the only way I’ll ever have success in life about. That in return, is smothered by self doubts in my abilities and how much I hate classes. See my problem? I can’t have this unified person that is always fluid in his choices. I see so many people around me at work who seem to have such a consistent and reasonable personality. Like they’re all in character and I’m just there. I found this post while I was browsing the Internet and I relate to everything said apart from thinking my friends would harm me. I just need somebody to guide me into the right direction 😦 https://www.reddit.com/r/Drugs/comments/2e70l5/when_i_smoke_weed_i_get_voices_in_my_head_i_get/
Hum Tv Dramas Lyrics 2015
Submitted by apieceofpizza

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s