Update–I need to sit my husband down and ask what sex means to him

Update–I need to sit my husband down and ask what sex means to him
Post from yesterdayI will preface that this post is raw and I wish I was in DB under a separate account but whatever. I really did not want to post this.Shortly before I left work, I sent my husband a gchat message.Me: I need to ask you a weird question that I feel bad asking while you’re at work– I just struggle to talk about intimate stuff in personHusband: do you want me to call you, love? i can find a private spot to call fromMe: noooooo. I prefer this, please. can you think about..however long you need..why sex is important to you?Husband: I can, love would you like an answer now?Me: SureHusband: it’s important because i love you and love having the physical intimacy with you, which is especially nice because you’re not usually fond of being touchy or affectionate in generalMe: but—-why? i dont understand why physical intimacy is niceHusband:to get affection from you, to be physically close to you, to feel that you’re also attracted to meSo, it went on a little from there, him expressing hope that I understood and I said I was trying. It was basically what I expected. When he got home he hugged me and asked how I was feeling.We had plans last night– we always do bar trivia Wednesday nights with a bunch of friends. Then he was working on some stuff he is building around the house.So, we get in bed around midnight and I initiate.For those who don’t know my story: I dissociate after sex. I feel like I have both depersonalization (a state in which one’s thoughts and feelings seem unreal or not to belong to oneself, or in which one loses all sense of identity) and derealization (a feeling that one’s surroundings are not real)I am feeling so frustrated so, when we were done I immediately started screaming songs in my head to drown out the dissociation. Any song I could think of. Just random lyrics, trying to drown out the fog that creeps in where I dissociate and feel wrong and shame and like I am floating out of the experience and my body.It felt like I was trying to fill my head with anything else I could, while my husband spooned me from behind.I felt it not working, so I started yelling my head things like “go away,” “get out of my head.”I don’t know how else to describe but my inner voice just got—-weaker? Less strong and loud. And the shame started flooding in and the room began to spin.And– as embarrassing as this is because it feels like something out of a movie at an insane asylum– I put my hands on my head and started to yell. In the dark, just after midnight, next to my husband, “Get out of my head!”I did refuse to cry.My husband of course felt terrible but I can’t hide that from him. I’ve had these feelings for years and never told him or anyone else. I told him last night, “Even though it’s gotten worse with age, I wish I had told you I had these feelings when we were younger because I need help tracking them and how they’ve changed.” He keeps asking what he can do. There’s nothing but I said please keep initiating, despite me freaking out, I want to have sex. Just, flat out told him I want it despite all of that so we shall see.I NEED to get into a different type of therapy. Not talk therapy. Maybe EMDR. Something to reset me. And my husband needs to go with me.I mean–if you guys were in my husband’s situation, how would you feel? Is this insane? Seriously. Why is he still here?As an aside, I am glad I asked him. I am sure the conversation is what increased my frustration but I don’t regret it.And–as a second aside–I know someone will go through here and down vote everything I say, as someone almost always does with my posts, which is rather cowardly. I would use more colorful language were I not worried about breaking some rules, but you downvoting my discussion of painful attempts to have a healthy marriage says a lot more about you than it does about me. Projection? Anger? Disbelief? Whatever–pm it to me instead.
Hum Tv Dramas Lyrics 2015
Submitted by TehFuzzy

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